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Does not an hour seem but a lifetime in the eyes of those standing alone?
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Would not a single kiss remodel the tormented insides of a barren landscape of a man if only he would conjure enough truth to his dissintigration?
The pale moon lingers, as if mocking me in the faded wounds of my own hearts contempt,
Yet she has grown distant, and I.. am alone,
The preachings of those held captive to loves cyclone seem falsified in all its burden and triumph,
Chaos spawns in a tumultuous blend of sad seconds dragging throughout a mind as if day were destined to be stabbed and were unable to rise,
See it through as a romantic, to carry that single rose, whose petals bloom even in the solemn cries of winter,
For it's petals may once more prove that love is not only existant, but within reach,
Time slows in its vortex to spy on my insecurities as a fly in a frogs tongue,
With escape not permitted, the pushing delerium in lovers eyes fades as a ripple in the sea, upon dropping a pebble to its ultimate invisibility,
Each syllable of a mumbled word is a carefully developed speech formatted to only those whose long perished ears may listen,
Aye, the pirates of the night sky, the very stars themselves refuse to shine, or visibly reflect in mine eyes,
I have been transformed into a nocturnal being,
Craving loves dreams, denied by lonely sleep,
Only may those soaring yet a few inches above my head smell the enriched fear emanating from the depths of my lonelines,
For I, am the current time's Romeo,
And I, like him, have been banished.
don't ask me why i'm actually updating this thing.. i guess there's just nothing better to do really. i have been writing songs, recording and sending demo's to labels.. layzie's manager emailed me and wanted a copy of the demo so i sent it the other day.
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i've been performing every other thursday, which is awesome. it's a lot of fun. marc and i did a show together a few days ago.
nick and i saw lord of the rings with my mom.. she brought tissues and i was like.. mom who's gonna cry during this damn movie.. lol i bawled like half the movie.. it was so epic. (lol eric)
met a few girls who like me, so i'll date around and who knows what will happen from there. i broke up with jamie cuz she was just... meh. she's cool but.. meh. we're too different. oh well.. she was fun to be with.
ummm nothin else really, i work today, then i'm off all week.
i went to the bone thugs n harmony concert at the electric factory in philadelphia with andy and josh, and got to meet BONE THUGS!!! Bone took my demo and chilled with me and pointed me out during the show cuz I got hooked up with a Bone shirt and a hat and a cd. Layzie Bone signed my hat and i gave them copies of my demo. the tour ends the 31 of this month and Layzie said theyd gimme a call soon.
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"you remind me of myself when I ran up on eazy-e and jus started rappin. you a pimp, and that gots nuttin to do wit no hoes, it gots to do wit bein determinded, strong willed, humble and hard workin. you came here knowin what u wanted and broughtcha demo and its all good, bone's gon give you a call." --- Layzie Bone
I also met their manager and tech nine and he also took a copy of the demo, so did a new group layzie signed called Con-R-Tist. I chilled wit T-Why from that group for a good half hour.
Bone is the nicest group ever, all that hard stuff is no act, they are really ghetto but man they are the nicest people in the world. especially lil Lay-lee.
Nick went to homecoming, and so I was thinking back to Prom and it sucks that the entire thing was ruined. This was around the time I was being told how she talks about Pat nonstop and her face lights up and she's like in love with him. When confronted, she said some sweet bullshit that went in one ear and out the other, because she never treated me good unless she thought I was mad at her. She was crying "oh baby I love you and only you! Pat's just a friend, I'd never leave you for him." haha I can laugh because through this entire situation, I've always been honest, and she's been the filthy rat who LIEES LIES and LIES some more. I don't know how she can think she justified anything when she's a backstabbing selfish heartless ho. She has no consience.
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Krysten says she and Pat burned all Ben's weeeeed... how does she smoke up if she burned all of it?
I'm getting together with Jaci tonight, I havn't seen her in awhile. She's real coo.
Marc and I recorded some more songs, and they are turning out really awesome. The BTNH concert is next weeeeeeek YESSSS
This weekend was awesome. Steph had a birthday party and Chuck E Cheez then at her house.. oh LOrd that girl is amazing.. Marc has some sort of problem with her, he doesn't like her at all.
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He Imd her a told her to not talk to me cuz he doesn't want me getting involved with a stupid retarded girl like her but Abbey told me (she doesn't have her phone hooked up cuz she just moved into her appartment) that she doesn't let anything he says influence her decisions because I'm the one that stands out.. Oh Lord life is a dream. I'm glad he stands up for me and wants what's best for me. He's the best friend I could ever have, besides Teran, who's a brother to me, but he and Marc are both brothers to me, so is Nick, he's always been a best friend to me.
It's awesome that I can surround myself with such fucking awesome people since I'm not with that cyco depressed mess anymore, cuz that really brough me down. Now, and just now, I'm livin' my life and it's ammmaaaaazing.
Marc and I chilled today for awhile and worked on some songs and stuff. We came up with some sick beats because of the drum rolls and piano rolls on the ejay program.. haha. I wrote a bunch of new songs and started recording some.
Hole In Our Hearts has been recreated, A new song called Don't Judge Me is done, it goes out to everyone who claims to know me but don't understand me one bit, Programmed is about how life is programmed when you're not an individual, cuz there's plenty of people who aren't, If Only You Knew is about all the shit I've been through and nobody understands, My Time is a remake, I Think Aboutchu is really pop and sellable, so that's being redone to have no mention of Andy or a subject, but there is one in mind, it just has to be reworked to match the new beat and new standing in life, and there is another song called Guided By Twins for Amanda and Jackie.
Marc is featured on about half of the tracks. Our music is soooo fuckin' siiick.
Tomorrow should be coo, I'm chillin' with Steph a lot in school and prolly after school so I can take her out and whatnot.. oh jees she is the most gorgeous girl inside and out..
I also found (random thought) a bunch of SNES NES and GBA roms that all work, which is pretty badasss. haha. So I can play em in my room. I got some that weren't even released yet.. haha.
Work went sorta slow today. It was a good day because it was beautiful out! I did carts a bit but got to chill with Eric and not really do anything.. haha. I wrote songs on my break and came up with a lot of the material I just finished.
Kindra came over.. she still wants to be with me but I'm not really down.. heh.. o well.
Things have been going.. well.. going.
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School is good, got a lot done and shit, good grades etc. This girl Steph is incredible.. she's without a doubt the most intriguing and wonderful girl I've ever met in my life, no contest.
People like her make me look back to my past and laugh about the shit I put up with from dishonest snakes. Stupid serpents are a waste of my time.
Tonight I'm taking her out for her birthday, then chillin' at her apartment for awhile.
"Freedom.. oh yeah.. let me hear you sing with me.. Freedom.. we don't got no need to fight.. Freedom..."
Oh Lord.. I met the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen in my LIFE the other day. I was sittin' down waitin' for people to get out of class so we can all have lunch like we always do and she just came up and started talking to me and whatnot.. I can't get over how green her eyes are, and her fashion sense is like that of Angelina Jolie in hackers, a city girl that's very... kinda techno slash preppy. haha.
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She invited me to a party tonight she's throwing because she's planning on staying sober. She said she could use some company. hehe. goooood god
got some new clothes
Aside from that, nothin' really is goin' on, jus chilllllin.
Today at Hacc I met a gorgeous girl.. she was sorta rude at one point, but she felt really bad about leavin' to talk to her friends in the middle of my sentence. She gave me her number even though I said I didn't really care to do anything. I think I changed my mind. I found her screenname from a friend, and we decided to get together. She is reallllly gorgeous and she is flirtacious. She seems real fun and interesting.. hehe sexxxy italians.
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I also met two twins, both of whom flirted with me when the other one left.. haha so I only need one number. lol. It freaked me out at first but meh, fuck it.
There's lotsa options of women I can be with now, and if anything I can have more friends with benefits.. lol yeeeah cool!
I decided that Pat is a lil bitch and he tries to piss me off by saying big words, but fuck him. I can't feel threatened by a man in a dress. I'm from here on going to delete all comments and emails from him and laugh when he goes insane waiting for me to respond. haha.
Jill came over and we talked about Ishmael and had a good conversation about different opinions clashing, and we didn't fight so that shows we are both mature. yay!
It was good to hang out with her. She seemed nervous, I dunno why, it's just me. haha same as I've always been, just more aware to the bullshit in life. But either way it was good to catch up.
Got my 'puter from Nate Dogg and it's coooooo and sweeeeeeeeet. So I get to hook it all up tomorrow and whathaveyou. haha tru dat. For shizzle dizzle.
Chilled with Marc, recorded, awesome black music. haha YAAAAAA buddy!!
Mannnnnnn oh man... I gots tara on the braaiiiin.. jeeeez we have this connection that I'm like.. dammnnnnn girl you so fine because your mind is beautiful, and she has this voice where I'm just like.. shit, pleese keep talking, jus lemme hear you say something.. haha. She definately has about a millions qualities going for her, and I've never had such a warm hug in my life. She calls me Cinderblock for God's sake.. she straightened her hair, and she looks even more gorgeous than before. The way she laughs is just real badass.. hahaha she's just funny.. oh Lord she's something else.
Marc is badgerin' me to ask her out and stuff, he's like oooooh shit this is an awesome idea! She needs someone as good and honest/noble as you to take care of her, and I know I'd treat her right. Eveh his mom is like, yeeeah you two need to hook up.. hahahhahahaa soooo rad.
Hehe. ummm I'm out of thangs to wrizzle in my jizznle.
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There's not too much really to write about. I've been pretty sure Jill wasn't going to bother being my friend.. but we're gonna hang out tomorrow.
School has been going well. I did well on tests and homework and all that shit. I have been chilling at Nates and going to Josh's parties, which tend to get out of control. Oh well.. with Jen there things were.. hehe.. interesting.. it was fun.
I have been chilling with Marc, and we recorded some songs. I am making all my own beats and I don't even want to bother with people anymore, not at this point. Not too much anyway. I am making beats and recording songs, and they are sooo professional. I will take them to NYC myself in a few weeks and get signed and leave this fucking place.
I get my own computer tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.
Tara is grounded.. but her mom let's her chill with me. hehe. yeea! I'm gonna try and take her to her homecoming if her mom is cool with that, even though she's grounded. If she is, I'm gonna bring the homecoming to her: slow music, a dozen roses, and watch some movies and whatnot. I'm allowed at the house and stuff she just apparently can't leave.. haha. Oh well.. I've proved to be a creative bastard before. My dad told me some interesting details about Tara.. and I found out what she wants.
And I'm down. In the terms of a relationship, even. The girl's an angel. We'll see. :)
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I havn't been sleeping very well lately. I took my Sociology test. I studied a lot for it.. I wasn't necessarily worried about it, because I don't worry about things like that. But I knew most every answer, so I'm sure I did well on it. I chilled with Chris while he played pool.. he got owned by a flirt who's thong was hanging out the entire time.. me and Melanie Hill laughed our asses off every time she took a shot.
I am sposed to call Daryl, but his line is always bizzy.. meh. He raps his voicemail too.. haha, he's hardcore as shyt.
Fruity Loops is not as difficult to use as I had once thought. I made a beat that is currently untitled. It has the blips reminiscent of Forgot about Dre, and the beat is really funky and black. haha. I added some android sounds like in Reighteous Ones, and then some symbols and orchestrated melodies. It came out pretty well for a first try. heh.
Nate Dogg chilled with me yesterday. Chinc was there. We watched Big Trouble in Little China, the funnies movie in the world.. omg it's not even meant to be a comedy.
I have still been kinda fucked up, and I have trouble umm, I dunno, being happy. :/ Then my mom gets on my nerves, and I tend to get impatient with her.. Jen wants to see me this Friday, so I'm prolly gonna take advantage of that.. I've always liked that girl, she's one of those people just plain comforting to be around. I know she still wants to be with me.. I'm not sure what I want in the terms of relationships.
come back with a .38
body rott n meet yo fate
yeeeeah alicia cheered me up last night though :)
more pat drama, but fuck it, who cares? me and him don't mix, so it doesn't really matter. she doesn't want me out of her life, and she told me she will always love me as a friend, and she wants me around to be a friend to her, best friends if i am willing, which of course i am. :) so this is good.
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i've just been chillin' tonight.. i finished my homework, and then eric and emily came over. we watched grave of the fireflies, a really awesome anime movie. it was really cool watching the english language. language is the basis of culture, and without it no societies or culture could exist. the japanese version is almost completely different.. it's the same movie but the voice actors are different. i enjoyed the japanese version better.. reading the text and hearing a different language added a depth of sincerity to the movie, and meh bla bla bla lol it was really good.
i go back to school tomorrow, and i'm looking forward to talking with daryl an chris. they are really thugged out rappers that want to work with me. sweet. I burned some copies of my cd for them, and i'm anxious to hear their responses.
teran came back this weekend, and it was awesome because we played games and rapped the whole night.. haha teran was freestyling, and it was the funniest thing in the world. i dug it. nick was with us, and we woke up my stepdad and he was stuttering something boring today.. lol. oh welllll
i'm chillin' with matava this coming weekend. she needs help in final fantasy nine.. lol it's awesome. she's played games as long as me. haha i can't wait to see dejon and them, those kids are sooo adorable.. a three year old with poofball snoop dogg-ish hair. lol it's great.
time to stop writing cuz i don't have anything really interesting to say.
It starts with a cramp in the stomache,
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A permanent drunkenness,
Pills add to the twisting of pain, sunk in this numbness,
Sex with miscellaneous women makes the hole deeper,
A never ending plunge to a heart that grows weaker,
My mother don't understand, she whispered a prayer,
My faith dwindled away, captive like Princess Leia,
Cries interrupt the crickets song, they quit chirpin,
I wish I's one of them to be crushed, to stop hurtin',
I recall the first time I spoke to our Lord God,
Asked him if this was truly life, he replied I kid you not,
It's like a photograph that captures the remnants of an object,
When it comes to true love, I'm dependant on the topic,
Bitterness hits worse than my father did mom,
I can't get through to myself, step off the intercom,
Messages texted through worried Ex's was not neglected,
She swore it wadn't my fault but ultimately I wrecked it,
Awake, daydreamin' about sunshine and picnics,
At first light I churn the oven, up rises Bisquick,
My appetite has long since perished,
Vanished, dismantled, AHHH I barely even manage,
The shower is a waterfall to shield my teardrops,
Friends throw' parties, but I can hardly cheer up,
Beers up! They make a toast, ask why he doesn't hear us?
Ostricized like circus freaks, wake up, there's a clear must,
Crashed at friends cribs watch em take ten swigs,
Unconscious grins drove me demented,
Got Christmas cards tacked to the wall with memories,
Becomin' a celebrity seems my only remedy,
Best friends are enemies, quick to bring the end of me,
Healing is a piece of paper and pen to tend to me,
I'm drowning in reality, the water's so shallow,
Perhaps I'd be better off with a cold steel barrel,
Placed against my jaw to be free like a sparrow,
The beast can only be dropped by a silver arrow,
Jill and I have been fighting a lot so I told her it's all over and I'll move on with my life without her. She wasted a year and a half of my life, and what's fucked up is that she never REALLY cared about me. Meh.. I'm better off without her, she destroys everything she comes into contact with.
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Work has been going well. My hours are fixed up, and it's easier to accomplish shit. Heh. Bea said she is trying to find us the best deal possible, so that's still on track.
Pat told me last night to move on because Jill said I never did anything for her and I wasted her time. He told me that she said I'm normal and nothing special, not worth being held in high regard. I'm simple and there's nothing to learn, and what's there is boring. I don't think deep enough to fulfill her interests in the universe because I'm a conformed loser who wastes deep thinker's (like hers) time. I never showed her I loved her (????) and never had any important conversation with her, just bitching about my father and work. WELLLL FUCK YOU TOO. I tied to talk and she never would. She saved it for Captain Planet. I was NO different than Andy and relied on "stupid songs" to help me through problems. (cuz she was never there obviously)
Weelllllllll I'll just go be my simple self and make millions while the maniacs get institutionalized for trying to live in the rainforest, or they'll die of disease, which is funny because Jill couldn't survive one night without a wittle bwanky and her fucking pillow. She couldn't even handle her camping trip, how's she going to sleep in mud in the forest? Those two deranged individuals will go to college and work 9 to 5's just like everybody else. There's nothing else. They're dreaming. haha and then she'll realize the the truth is. We ARE captive and its impossible to break free. so we won't, and we won't try unless we want to deal with punishments. I dont.
lol she doesn't realize how huge the label that reads BULLSHIT is on this fucking psychotic idea. She needs mental help. Pat encourages her to run from reality. It doesn't matter though, because I walk away with a clean conscience. All the girls that wanted to fuck me now have the chance and I'm not tied down by a fake/nonexisant girlfriend. Her corpse was with me, her entire being was always elsewhere. And that's MY fault? Time to go back to your therapist honey. I LAUGH at the idea of her being with a clone of her brother, an alcoholic and drug user who IS GAY and will ditch her when he finds a big strong man. As soon as he finds a guy who believes ishmael it's bye bye jill.
Meh, end of entry. People are fucked up.
I feel very bad for Jill.. Her mom gives her shit abuot seeing Mr. Man all the time, and she barely sees him. This makes the relationship seem perfect though because there is no effort to be made. They cannot grow closer and get to know one another except through typing online and talking on the phone. They have had so little time spent together getting to know eachother in person, and won't be able to because from what she said there will be no visitation in the winter when it's icy and snowy.
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I don't understand how she could throw our relationship away without a second thought, and no I'm not completely over her yet. I never will be because there is no closure, only excuses and false reasoning. She already needs something he cannot provide, but something I gave without hesitation. Being there. Literally, physically, to be able to hug and touch. He is not, and they both are alone.
I get so bitter thinking about what she said: we didn't work because all we did was fight. We fought because I was told she cheated and was having a secret relationship, and she denied. She eventually came forward, and the FACT is, if she didn't lie and betray, there'd be no fights. It's simple to understand, but easy to deny because she's used to it..
Random thoughts keep popping up into my head and making me bitter and depressing me, making me hate my life. When we went to Seeley's show, we fought about Pat again, and she denied it for hours and we screamed and fought nonstop.. and she DENIED IT. It finally has been revealed because she cheated, and now I know that she was crying because she felt like a "nothing" for doing what she did, the guilt was getting to her. So instead of ending it and being with me, so we could continue on where we left off, she tossed me to the mud and left me for shit. I knew she was lying the entire time, that's what made the whole thing so hard. She begged me to believe her and I didn't, because I knew she was lying.
After all this, why is it that I am alone and miserable, after everything I did, gave up, put up with and sacrificed for her? And she gets home free, happy as can be with her brainwashing drug addict. It's sick and demented, and I guess that's the type of thing Andy warned me about way back when we first started talking, Jill and I. I didn't believe him either.
This is wrong.
To Alicia: I suppose I didnt kinda stop writing in this because Jill didn't read it.. after she fell for Pat she lost interest in any real conversation with me and pretty much I fell to second place.. I always wrote in this knowing she'd read it so she'd know what was on my mind since we never seemed to talk.. she wanted to share everything in our relationship with Pat, which she is doing now, and might I add she never sees him and he is NOT THERE. Soon she will see the impact of her mistake. And I'm glad you are interested in my life for whatever reason.
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To people commenting: I really dont give a FUCK what is appealing, especially not to YOU when you live five states away and will never talk to me other than through a fucking message on a damned journal. I can have any girl I want because if every girl knew the things I did and the way I loved Jill, they'd know EXACTLY who I was, unlike even Jill, or any other motherfucker who reads this, and plus Miss OutofState, I DON'T WANT YOU SO YOUR COMMENTS DONT MAKE A FUCKING DIFFERENCE to me either way. So shove it! Your opinions about me or anything to do with my life dont mean a DAMN thing.
I have been having nightmares and not sleeping again.. I listen to this one song from LOTR nonstop.. heh. I just grow more and more angry and less and less happy with each and every day. I have work I do but don't want to, and I'm just sick and tired of.. my whole fucking life.
There is a wonderful girl named Jaci that I am taking out on Saturday. She's soo fun to talk to and I really want to get to know her. The other girls I wrote about were just confidence boosters, but ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS ME knows I wrote that stuff in a joking manner and would never fuck around with random people. heh.
Teran will hopefully come back tomorrow to stay over and Eric is too. Sweet.
Something to look forward to. yay!
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I have nothing really to write.. I've been kinda down and just bored with life lately.. Bea keeps reassuring me that things are on track but nothing has happened yet so I'm like yea.. waiting sucks..
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I write and write some more and that's about it.. I've had a bunch of dates though and stuff.. lots of girls interested so I'm gonna take em all out and see what's up. heh
hmmm im sposed to visit jen and kindra at college, and kindras roomate wants to lay me and i dont even know her.. ill meet her though when i go up there.
well umm im takin jaci out fri and thats the only one im honestly interested in, shes awesome
I'm chillin with nate a lot, and thats about all there is to do. nates awesome tho and we chill and act sooo ghetto lol
im out cuz i fuckin hate this journal
Northern sun.. we're walking down that same avenue..
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I look at the world and it's heavenly.. it's a miracle place to be.. why does anyone have to die, did you ever wonder why?
Things have been going decently I guess. I finally found out how to set up my voicemail account, which has been bugging me because it wouldn't take my phone number.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe Jill never calls me or calls me back because 1) she really doesn't want me around but wants to let me down easy 2) she can't waste minutes on me when she has pat. She hasn't been online for awhile, so I imagine she blocked me again or something.
Oh well, whatever. There's nothing to be upset about, we're not together, but that's not how you treat a friend..
I heard from Kinda yesterday.. her roommate moved out because she is uncomfortable living with a bi chick.. that's really stupid. Some people can't help the way they are, and shouldn't be put down for it. Jen is coming down from Ship. soon, and Teran doesn't want to come home.. his parents get on his nerves.
The guys came over and we freestyled for an hour last night. I was on a roll, so were they! We are getting better, and my rhymes are becoming more complex and BET: The Bassment worthy.. haha.
omg I was soo sick yesterday on the way to school.. My stomach was realy tight for some reason.. Nick stopped at McDonald's, and I kicked the bathroom stall door in since it was locked with a "out of order" sign. I was supposed to use the women's room.. heh.. I had excellent timing.. haha. The janitor walks in and the lock is like hanging off the door. I go.. ummm this toilet doesn't work.. then ran out and left. lol
I might have put this in already, I forget.. but I am not gonna censor this, because it's mine in which to portray thoughts and feeling.
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I have been fighting more and more with Jill lately.. not very fun.. it hurts, and I'm tired of it. Pat told me to get out of her life and that she told him that's what she wanted. I told him to fuck off because his wants mean nothing to me. Since I believed it was what she wanted, I obliged but she said it wasn't, so Pat has yet again lied to me trying to kick me out of the picture. Well I AM the picture motherfucker so get used to it.
Aside from that, I went to school today.. I took five pages of notes in sociology, and it was pretty interesting. Why people interact the way they do, and what types of societies evolved and how they are controlled is like water pouring over your head in the desert. It clears your mind and you begin to understand the world in terms that were coined by people like Marx, Weber, Durkheim and others. It's great! I love that class .
Work was interesting.. there was a new girl named Whitney. She seems really cool. We had break together. We sat in her car and listened to music and talked. She's in HACC also, so we are probably going to get something to eat tomorrow, and probably see a movie or something this weekend. She has very friendly eyes, and she just seems like a fun loving girl. I enjoyed talking with her. She has this sense of humor that's funny.. she said "My system is more white people-ish than black." I was like omg you're awesome. lol She seems really cool.
The new Seal CD is getting worn in my CD Player. It's sooo beautiful. The songs sound reminiscent of Seal II, and they really hit hard. Not even in a bad way, they are just wonderful to listen to.
I figured I'd call Sara since has been coming into Giant since I started there.. haha. She said she'd love to get together this weekend. Apparently that pissed Jill off. I don't want her to be mad, this is not revenge, it's me meeting new people and if she didn't want to, she'd say no. so.. meh. We'll see what happens.
Arghh... time to finish Theatre homework..